I found this gem in an old Chat history:
IAN: I had a dream the other night that I was raped by the ghost of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
MATT: Hooray! My Arnold Schwarzenegger Ghost costume works! (Also, I raped your twin brother dressed as Danny Devito.)
IAN: Hooray, my “twin brother” costume works!
Once upon a time I was having a ton of fun with these Nic Cage “colorforms” from Brandon Bird. I created a daily adventure, mixing and matching the set’s three different Nics, the two scenery backgrounds and three or four other accessories.
“Hey, Nicolas Cage! Would you like an ice cream cone? Love, a ghost.”
“Hey bird — I found your skateboard!”
“Y’all wanna go to Space Beach? I hear it’s haunted.”
“You can only fit two on a haunted skateboard.”
“My space-plane crashed. But this bird will fly my ghost ass home (or else!)”
“I’m getting a suntan. On my SUIT!”
Eventually I ran out of combinations, so I added in pieces from other colorform sets, like Mickey Mouse, Pee Wee’s Playhouse, and WWF (back when that still stood for Worldwide Wrasslin’ Federation).
“I’d love to come play with you. But my Dad said to clean the garage as soon as I finish this banana.”
“One time a Robot tricked me into sweeping up a beach so he could go play softball.”
“Shoo bird! Get out of my talking chair!”
“It’s hard to defeat the Triple-Hogan Leg Drop.”
“After four years of planning, building and design, I am finally ready to test this space rocket.”
“I think I have a real shot at winning Heaven’s Second Annual Ball-Balancing Contest”
I wrote a theme song with Ken Grobe, who also sang and recorded it:
Who wants to have an adventure?
Nic Cage!
Who wants a haunted ice cream cone?
Nic Cage!
Who wants to go to a castle or a beach?
Who thinks that space is a place he can reach?
Who has an odd impediment of speech?
Nic Cage!
Nic Cage!
Nic Cage!
Finally, I just started sticking the Nics to my computer monitor.
“I’m in yr Facebook, checkin’ yr profile!”
“Hey R2D2 — let’s skedaddle before them Cone Wars start up again.”
“Do y’all remember where we built that skate ramp? I need to practice my ollies.”
“Go long, Jake the Snake. We can’t let the Meanies intercept.”
Then Nic Cage got arrested on charges of domestic abuse battery and disturbing the public. I gave him one last adventure and then retired him.
“Domestic assault is a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom. Hello? Jail man?”
Happy Valentine’s Day!
The JUNKINESS staff: Darci, Dennis and Matt
In 2006 I co-founded a blog with Matt Tobey and Dennis DiClaudio. Our mission was to cover the day’s news through a sarcastic and silly lens. It was called JUNKINESS and it claimed to be “for addicts of news, gossip and heroin.”
For a year we posted 8-10 times daily, trying to cover the same political, entertainment and world news that every other blog was covering, and determined not to make the same jokes. At some point Dennis joined the Witness Protection program. Then we recruited help from funny blogger friends like this guy and that guy and this guy. We took a lot of pot shots at Stephen Dorff. It was a blast.
And then it ended.
I found an old email thread today that documents the time just before Junkiness, when Dennis, Matt and I were trying to decide on a name for our new blog baby. These are some of the names we tossed around:
I’m pretty sure I disliked the name “Junkiness” at first, but looking back on the alternatives, man am I glad I lost that fight. (Also I’m pretty sure we would have chosen Filth Flarn Filth if that URL wasn’t already registered).
Once we decided to be Junkiness (Internally we referred to our site as “J-Nay”, just as we referred to Matthew McConaughey as “Matty McNayNay”), we needed help designing the site. I twisted the arm of talented designer and friend, Kevin Bauer, and this transcribed IM conversation was the creative direction we gave him.
This is what Kevin came up with (which was perfect)
Miss you, J-Nay.
I got a dog and immediately became obsessed with the dog. Every post on Facebook or Twitter was a joke about my dog or a photo of my dog–I became that person. So I said to myself, “Don’t be that person! If you can’t say something not-about-your-dog, don’t say anything at all.”
This is why, perhaps, you haven’t seen a post here in a while. That, and I was busy.
Since I last posted, we’ve uploaded episodes 15-18 of the Me Three Podcast, featuring our chats with writer and Comedy Central editor, Dennis DiClaudio, podcaster and TwitterAlotter, Ahm 76, artist and director of Good/Bad Art Collective, Martin Iles and comedian and new staff writer for The Daily Show, Travon Free. Our next episode is our first international interview and I can’t wait for your earholes to absorb it.
Hurricane Sandy threw me for a loop, like most New Yorkers. First it stranded me in Texas, where I watched online videos of power transformers exploding and streets flooding only a few blocks from my apartment. I scoured Twitter for reports from my neighborhood and found it to be completely under water. So I was pleasantly surprised to come home to a completely dry first floor apartment. I’m not sure how I got so lucky, but the absence of a waterlogged rat party in my home made me extremely grateful and I headed out to the Rockaways to pay it forward a little. If you’re currently living in a dry home with power, heat and hot water, consider helping those who (still!) are struggling and visit Believe in Belle Harbor to donate.
I’m headed BACK to Texas for most of December and I plan to fill my days and nights with gambling, cheap liquor and Mexican food. Who’s with me?
Oh, and I’m still calling the dog Pony. I tried out all the other suggestions and none of them really worked for me. I mean, seriously, when I called out, “Banjo!” at the dog park, I almost died of embarrassment. So he’s officially Pony now. Or, if you want to be formal, his full name is Pony! Poni! Pone! (No, that’s not embarrassing at all!)
Until next time,
kittenpants
Lisa and I interviewed two of the funniest kids we know on the Me Three Podcast. Last week we talked to comedy writer Eric Ledgin (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Puberty: The Movie) and this week we talked to comedian Sofiya Alexandra (So Natural). You would think after all that laughing (Lisa had to pee-twice!) we’d stop talking to funny people. Nope! We’re talking to Comedy Central Indecision’s Dennis DiClaudio today and you’ll hear that next week.
You should probably pee before you start downloading.
The Pony needs a name.
This is my newly-adopted Yorkie/Jack Russell mix (he’s a Yakkie!). I was fostering him for a week and we made it official on Saturday. I’ve been calling him Pony (PONY2012!) because he’s little and all little animals are ponies. It is also short for Ponyboy Ratliff which is abbreviated PBR which also stands for Professor Blanket Rape.
And even though I might still call him The Pony as a nickname, I think he needs a better permanent name.
I looked at his papers from the shelter and his original name is AVCABATCHE. No joke. Avcabatche. I did a Google search to see if that is even a word and the only results are the ones at different pet adoption sites where this dog was listed. It’s not a word. It’s not a name. It’s Avcabatche (Superman’s less popular cousin’s catch phrase).
Anyway, this is where you come in. I’ve come up with a few names that might work. Vote for one. Or give me a new one. Don’t fill up my inbox with your hilarious joke names like Dr. Poopington Buttsley, III, because HAHA I GET IT THANKS! But if you have a seriously good suggestion after looking at this face, I want to hear it.
Thanks!
Last week Lisa and I interviewed drummer/record producer/photographer/podcast-lover Matt Pence (Centro-matic) and it was SUPER FUN. We learned a lot and we laughed a lot. Mostly the laughing. Have a listen!
My podcasting co-hort, Ladybird J and I just interviewed drummer/producer Matt Pence from Centro-matic for next week’s episode. Then I remembered this isn’t the first time I have interviewed Matt–the band was interviewed in the November 2000 issue of Kittenpants. Here’s some of what Matt had to say back then.
kp: What is the secret to making the perfect slurpee?
Matt: Not too much syrup, very very cold, in an insulated mug w/ one flavor on top of, not swirled in w/, another flavor.What is the secret to trimming the perfect beard?
Matches.What is the secret to playing the fuck out of the drums while still wearing a giant costume of the periodic table of the elements that covers your whole body?
Superpowers, of course.What is your favorite Centro-matic song?
Tied to the TrailerWhat is your favorite DEVO song?
Mississippi Queen (they did that one didn’t they, that’s an awesome jam!! cowbell central, U.S.A!!! !! !)!When you are on tour, which ‘road song’ would you say best represents the band’s mood: Wheel in the Sky by JOURNEY, On the Road Again by WILLIE NELSON, Surprise, Surprise by X, or Wanted: Dead or Alive by BON JOVI?
On the Road Again. We make sure we’re not on the road for very long stretches (2 weeks is pretty much the max so far), and that makes it so much fun, just like a vacation. Except for the lifting and the smoke, and the lack of site-seeing. Really, the only thing that is the same as vacation is the driving and the hotels. Except I guess when I go on vacation I usually don’t stay on people’s floors.That whole thing I said about touring being a vacation is a big lie, made up by me as an excuse to align myself with country superstar Willie Nelson. Hell, I barely know the words to “On the Road Again”, I don’t know if that’s representative of our experience. I don’t know anything anymore.
That’s fair. Will you tell me a joke?
Matt: yes.I don’t get it.
So that was 2000. Listen to the 12-year follow-up (coming in a few days!) on Episode 12 of Me Three Podcast.
If you only laugh half as much as we did when we interviewed Franky Pelvis, you’ll still be laughing four times more than any average day (but only 1/32 as much as the audience at an Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones” performance).
LAFF MATH:
[We laughed] = 2x [You'll laugh] = .015 [HammmBURGER!]
HAVE I CONVINCED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS YET?
