Found amongst old tweets, a hashtag #HipHopBreakfastCereals started (I believe) by @JohnMoe with “Quisp Quosp” and “Ol’ Dirty Bunches of Oats”. Below are the suggestions I tweeted. They’re magically delicious.
Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Fibre
Bone, Thugs N Honeycombs
Honey Nut Coolios
The Sugar Smacks Gang
Run DMC’s Raisin Hell
Boyz II Mini-Wheats
The Miseducation of Cap’n Crunch
Straight Outta Cracklin’ (Oat Bran)
Fear of a Bran Planet
AmeriKKKa’s Most Wheated
How Ya LIFE Me Now?
“The good Lord said to do whatever I gotta do, and he didn’t say, ‘Pizza Dog: be polite.’”
“I don’t have to do nothin’ but stay black and eat pizza.”
“You know what he’s saying right now? ‘Damn dog can’t eat my pizza!’ You know how he’s saying it? On an empty stomach.”
“We sink, we swim, we rise, we fall – We share our pies together.”
“I want you to get this straight! Most of the dogs here are here because they care! About those pizzas out there! This school, this fight, they are in it with you! They take it home at night, the same as you! They are sick of Domino’s, and so am I!”
This post, as is life, was inspired by Pizza Dog, Fishboy and Morgan Freeman.
In the summer of 2005, I went on tour with Will Johnson for a week. He was solo-ing the South and I was working on a book project where we’d discuss every single song he ever recorded. The project was shelved after my dad passed away—I stopped working on it for a while and Will has since released a grillion more albums. One of these days he’ll slow down for a few days and I’ll try to catch up.
But that week with Will was a fun one—I got a small taste of life on the indie-rock road, and Will got to drive around Alabama at 3 am looking for an open convenience store that sold tampons. We both learned a lot.
Today I’ve been packing for my move to Texas and I found some of my notes from the tour. Most were written in Jackson, MS, where Will played a small club called W C Dons.
7/18. W C Dons. Looks like somebody’s basement. Lots of mismatched couches, easy chairs and assorted Walmart furniture. No lights except for a chandelier with half the bulbs out. Sitting at a bar made out of doors—knobs and latches still attached. Feels like we inherited a haunted fixer-upper and are in store for some wacky mishaps. It’s Monday night in Jackson, MS. Awesome.
We had a lot of downtime (TOO MUCH? HAHAHA NOPE.) in Jackson, and Will and I started speculating about what the name W C DON actually meant. Sitting on a probably-scabies-filled sofa in that basement, we made this list.
As it turns out, WC DON stands for We Couldn’t Decide On a Name. Go wild with nougat, y’all.
*That is the thing I did that led to me finding these notes! WEIRD!
I laughed so hard at something Matt Tobey said at our comedy writers’ retreat this year. Then like an hour later I tried to tell someone else and I had already forgotten. Today I remembered.
Basically, a few of us had been making references to “deez nuts” all night, because there was a jar of nuts and we are all eleven. And then the next morning I was talking to Matt and he said something like, “Yeah all I had to eat was doze nuts.” And then I laughed forever and ever amen.
It reminded me of our first year of camp when we were sitting around eating S’mores. Lisa said to someone, “Hey do you want the rest of this one?” and that person asked, “Why?” and without missing a beat, Matt chimed in, “Because she doesn’t want N’mores.”
We have fun!
Photo by Ahm!
I found this gem in an old Chat history:
IAN: I had a dream the other night that I was raped by the ghost of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
MATT: Hooray! My Arnold Schwarzenegger Ghost costume works! (Also, I raped your twin brother dressed as Danny Devito.)
IAN: Hooray, my “twin brother” costume works!
Once upon a time I was having a ton of fun with these Nic Cage “colorforms” from Brandon Bird. I created a daily adventure, mixing and matching the set’s three different Nics, the two scenery backgrounds and three or four other accessories.
Eventually I ran out of combinations, so I added in pieces from other colorform sets, like Mickey Mouse, Pee Wee’s Playhouse, and WWF (back when that still stood for Worldwide Wrasslin’ Federation).
I wrote a theme song with Ken Grobe, who also sang and recorded it:
Who wants to have an adventure?
Who wants a haunted ice cream cone?
Who wants to go to a castle or a beach?
Who thinks that space is a place he can reach?
Who has an odd impediment of speech?
Finally, I just started sticking the Nics to my computer monitor.
Then Nic Cage got arrested on charges of domestic abuse battery and disturbing the public. I gave him one last adventure and then retired him.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
In 2006 I co-founded a blog with Matt Tobey and Dennis DiClaudio. Our mission was to cover the day’s news through a sarcastic and silly lens. It was called JUNKINESS and it claimed to be “for addicts of news, gossip and heroin.”
For a year we posted 8-10 times daily, trying to cover the same political, entertainment and world news that every other blog was covering, and determined not to make the same jokes. At some point Dennis joined the Witness Protection program. Then we recruited help from funny blogger friends like this guy and that guy and this guy. We took a lot of pot shots at Stephen Dorff. It was a blast.
And then it ended.
I found an old email thread today that documents the time just before Junkiness, when Dennis, Matt and I were trying to decide on a name for our new blog baby. These are some of the names we tossed around:
I’m pretty sure I disliked the name “Junkiness” at first, but looking back on the alternatives, man am I glad I lost that fight. (Also I’m pretty sure we would have chosen Filth Flarn Filth if that URL wasn’t already registered).
Once we decided to be Junkiness (Internally we referred to our site as “J-Nay”, just as we referred to Matthew McConaughey as “Matty McNayNay”), we needed help designing the site. I twisted the arm of talented designer and friend, Kevin Bauer, and this transcribed IM conversation was the creative direction we gave him.
This is what Kevin came up with (which was perfect)
Miss you, J-Nay.
I got a dog and immediately became obsessed with the dog. Every post on Facebook or Twitter was a joke about my dog or a photo of my dog–I became that person. So I said to myself, “Don’t be that person! If you can’t say something not-about-your-dog, don’t say anything at all.”
This is why, perhaps, you haven’t seen a post here in a while. That, and I was busy.
Since I last posted, we’ve uploaded episodes 15-18 of the Me Three Podcast, featuring our chats with writer and Comedy Central editor, Dennis DiClaudio, podcaster and TwitterAlotter, Ahm 76, artist and director of Good/Bad Art Collective, Martin Iles and comedian and new staff writer for The Daily Show, Travon Free. Our next episode is our first international interview and I can’t wait for your earholes to absorb it.
Hurricane Sandy threw me for a loop, like most New Yorkers. First it stranded me in Texas, where I watched online videos of power transformers exploding and streets flooding only a few blocks from my apartment. I scoured Twitter for reports from my neighborhood and found it to be completely under water. So I was pleasantly surprised to come home to a completely dry first floor apartment. I’m not sure how I got so lucky, but the absence of a waterlogged rat party in my home made me extremely grateful and I headed out to the Rockaways to pay it forward a little. If you’re currently living in a dry home with power, heat and hot water, consider helping those who (still!) are struggling and visit Believe in Belle Harbor to donate.
I’m headed BACK to Texas for most of December and I plan to fill my days and nights with gambling, cheap liquor and Mexican food. Who’s with me?
Oh, and I’m still calling the dog Pony. I tried out all the other suggestions and none of them really worked for me. I mean, seriously, when I called out, “Banjo!” at the dog park, I almost died of embarrassment. So he’s officially Pony now. Or, if you want to be formal, his full name is Pony! Poni! Pone! (No, that’s not embarrassing at all!)
Until next time,