Tone Loco Puffs?

Found amongst old tweets, a hashtag #HipHopBreakfastCereals started (I believe) by @JohnMoe with “Quisp Quosp” and “Ol’ Dirty Bunches of Oats”. Below are the suggestions I tweeted. They’re magically delicious.

Ka$hi
Fruit Snoops
Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Fibre
Bone, Thugs N Honeycombs
Frosted Development
Honey Nut Coolios
Puffed Daddy
The Sugar Smacks Gang
Run DMC’s Raisin Hell
Boyz II Mini-Wheats
The Miseducation of Cap’n Crunch
Straight Outta Cracklin’ (Oat Bran)
O.G.-Original Grape-Nuts
Fear of a Bran Planet
Mos Toasties
AmeriKKKa’s Most Wheated
How Ya LIFE Me Now?

Memorable Quotes from my forthcoming Pizza Dog movie

pizzadog“We are in a state of emergency and my word is law! There’s only one boss around here, and that’s me. The PDIC. Pizza Dog In Charge.”

“The good Lord said to do whatever I gotta do, and he didn’t say, ‘Pizza Dog: be polite.’”

“I don’t have to do nothin’ but stay black and eat pizza.”

“You know what he’s saying right now? ‘Damn dog can’t eat my pizza!’ You know how he’s saying it? On an empty stomach.”

“We sink, we swim, we rise, we fall – We share our pies together.”

“I want you to get this straight! Most of the dogs here are here because they care! About those pizzas out there! This school, this fight, they are in it with you! They take it home at night, the same as you! They are sick of Domino’s, and so am I!”

***

This post, as is life, was inspired by Pizza Dog, Fishboy and Morgan Freeman.

Listen to a “Pirates” Day

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In honor of the holiday, something for those who prefer using their earholes and not their mouthholes.

The Dütch Treäts: Pirates

The Dooms U.K.: Pirates (live, unmastered version)

Courtesy of a guy who knows a thing or two about pirates, obviously.

Fun In Jackson with Johnson

WillJohnson2

In the summer of 2005, I went on tour with Will Johnson for a week. He was solo-ing the South and I was working on a book project where we’d discuss every single song he ever recorded. The project was shelved after my dad passed away—I stopped working on it for a while and Will has since released a grillion more albums. One of these days he’ll slow down for a few days and I’ll try to catch up.

But that week with Will was a fun one—I got a small taste of life on the indie-rock road, and Will got to drive around Alabama at 3 am looking for an open convenience store that sold tampons. We both learned a lot.

Today I’ve been packing for my move to Texas and I found some of my notes from the tour. Most were written in Jackson, MS, where Will played a small club called W C Dons.

7/18. W C Dons. Looks like somebody’s basement. Lots of mismatched couches, easy chairs and assorted Walmart furniture. No lights except for a chandelier with half the bulbs out. Sitting at a bar made out of doors—knobs and latches still attached. Feels like we inherited a haunted fixer-upper and are in store for some wacky mishaps. It’s Monday night in Jackson, MS. Awesome.

We had a lot of downtime (TOO MUCH? HAHAHA NOPE.) in Jackson, and Will and I started speculating about what the name W C DON actually meant. Sitting on a probably-scabies-filled sofa in that basement, we made this list.

  • We Clearly Don’t Own Napkins
  • We Cleaned, December Or November
  • What Crawled Down Our Necks?
  • We Could Die Of Narcolepsy
  • Why Cry, Darci? Over Now.
  • We Can Date Our Neices
  • Will Cruised Darci On Natchez
  • WILCO Came Down Our Nightgowns
  • We’ve Chosen Dallas Over New York*
  • With Crutches, Dancing On Nightcrawlers
  • Will, Clare Dreamt of Nachos
  • Why Can’t Danza Open Nuts?
  • Weber, Chris Drank Our Nytroglycerine
  • We Cut Down On Nougat

As it turns out, WC DON stands for We Couldn’t Decide On a Name. Go wild with nougat, y’all.

*That is the thing I did that led to me finding these notes! WEIRD!

I’m just writing this down so I won’t forget it.

I laughed so hard at something Matt Tobey said at our comedy writers’ retreat this year. Then like an hour later I tried to tell someone else and I had already forgotten. Today I remembered.

Basically, a few of us had been making references to “deez nuts” all night, because there was a jar of nuts and we are all eleven. And then the next morning I was talking to Matt and he said something like, “Yeah all I had to eat was doze nuts.” And then I laughed forever and ever amen.

Doze nuts.

It reminded me of our first year of camp when we were sitting around eating S’mores. Lisa said to someone, “Hey do you want the rest of this one?” and that person asked, “Why?” and without missing a beat, Matt chimed in, “Because she doesn’t want N’mores.”

We have fun!

Lots of LOLs at the Camp Kittenpants talent show!

Lots of LOLs at the Camp Kittenpants talent show!

Photo by Ahm!

Schwarzenegger’s Ghost

I found this gem in an old Chat history:

 

IAN: I had a dream the other night that I was raped by the ghost of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

MATT: Hooray! My Arnold Schwarzenegger Ghost costume works! (Also, I raped your twin brother dressed as Danny Devito.)

IAN: Hooray, my “twin brother” costume works!

Nic Cage Adventures

Once upon a time I was having a ton of fun with these Nic Cage “colorforms” from Brandon Bird. I created a daily adventure, mixing and matching the set’s three different Nics, the two scenery backgrounds and three or four other accessories.

nic-cage1

“Hey, Nicolas Cage! Would you like an ice cream cone? Love, a ghost.”

nic-cage2

“Hey bird — I found your skateboard!”

nic-cage3

“Y’all wanna go to Space Beach? I hear it’s haunted.”

 

nic-cage5

“You can only fit two on a haunted skateboard.”

nic-cage6

“My space-plane crashed. But this bird will fly my ghost ass home (or else!)”

nic-cage7

“I’m getting a suntan. On my SUIT!”

Eventually I ran out of combinations, so I added in pieces from other colorform sets, like Mickey Mouse, Pee Wee’s Playhouse, and WWF (back when that still stood for Worldwide Wrasslin’ Federation).

nic-cage8

“I’d love to come play with you. But my Dad said to clean the garage as soon as I finish this banana.”

nic-cage9

“One time a Robot tricked me into sweeping up a beach so he could go play softball.”

nic-cage10

“Shoo bird! Get out of my talking chair!”

nic-cage15

“It’s hard to defeat the Triple-Hogan Leg Drop.”

nic-cage11

“After four years of planning, building and design, I am finally ready to test this space rocket.”

nic-cage12

“I think I have a real shot at winning Heaven’s Second Annual Ball-Balancing Contest”

I wrote a theme song with Ken Grobe, who also sang and recorded it:


Who wants to have an adventure?
Nic Cage!
Who wants a haunted ice cream cone?
Nic Cage!
Who wants to go to a castle or a beach?
Who thinks that space is a place he can reach?
Who has an odd impediment of speech?
Nic Cage!
Nic Cage!
Nic Cage!

Finally, I just started sticking the Nics to my computer monitor.

nic-cage13

“I’m in yr Facebook, checkin’ yr profile!”

nic-cage14

“Hey R2D2 — let’s skedaddle before them Cone Wars start up again.”

nic-cage16

“Do y’all remember where we built that skate ramp? I need to practice my ollies.”

nic-cage17

“Go long, Jake the Snake. We can’t let the Meanies intercept.”

Then Nic Cage got arrested on charges of domestic abuse battery and disturbing the public. I gave him one last adventure and then retired him.

nic-cage19

“Domestic assault is a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom. Hello? Jail man?”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Before We Were Junky

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The JUNKINESS staff: Darci, Dennis and Matt

In 2006 I co-founded a blog with Matt Tobey and Dennis DiClaudio. Our mission was to cover the day’s news through a sarcastic and silly lens. It was called JUNKINESS and it claimed to be “for addicts of news, gossip and heroin.”

For a year we posted 8-10 times daily, trying to cover the same political, entertainment and world news that every other blog was covering, and determined not to make the same jokes. At some point Dennis joined the Witness Protection program. Then we recruited help from funny blogger friends like this guy and that guy and this guy. We took a lot of pot shots at Stephen Dorff. It was a blast.

And then it ended.

I found an old email thread today that documents the time just before Junkiness, when Dennis, Matt and I were trying to decide on a name for our new blog baby. These are some of the names we tossed around:

  • MindPoop.com
  • Ameritard.com
  • MorrisDayAndTheTimes.com
  • FilthFlarnFilth.org
  • Flazzum.com
  • AreYouThereGodItsMeTheNews.com
  • AmericanIdle.com
  • YouSnoozeWeNews.com
  • HotButter.com
  • ChocolateBabies.com
  • TheBeesPajamas.com
  • JawsFive.com
  • Jeebity.com
  • Gubbler.com
  • Swazzoo.com
  • Jubbly.com
  • Malachi-Crunch.com
  • WordBurglars.com
  • BeverlyHillsCops.com
  • Stinkface.com
  • WelcomeMatt.com
  • DeftLeftists.com
  • DoinIt-TheWebsite.com

I’m pretty sure I disliked the name “Junkiness” at first, but looking back on the alternatives, man am I glad I lost that fight. (Also I’m pretty sure we would have chosen Filth Flarn Filth if that URL wasn’t already registered).

Once we decided to be Junkiness (Internally we referred to our site as “J-Nay”, just as we referred to Matthew McConaughey as “Matty McNayNay”), we needed help designing the site. I twisted the arm of talented designer and friend, Kevin Bauer, and this transcribed IM conversation was the creative direction we gave him.

  • Do we do a drug-type logo that incorporates something else?
  • I was thinking like junk food, like a candy bar logo or something
  • Scrap yards, junk heaps, garbage cans, junk yards, scrap heaps
  • A racoon
  • A junky racoon
  • A raccoon shooting up and eating a hamburger
  • A racoon looking heroin chic
  • How about a racoon guzzling a big bottle of soda with the name Junkiness on it?
  • I want him to be sitting on a hamburger wrapper
  • What if the racoon has big eyes with red swirls in them like someone who is strung out?
  • What if the raccoon is Jewish?
  • I want there to be tipped over garbage cans in the background with gay porn
  • I can supply that
  • LOL
  • What about going the whole other way
  • What whole other way?
  • Using something elegant
  • Junkiness spelled in caviar?
  • A raccoon with a 18th entury powdered wig on and a monacle?
  • What about a wolf sucking a goat’s teat?
  • A teen wolf
  • What about something wholly non-related?
  • Like a picture of Corey Feldman spanking Corey Haim?
  • An airplane eating a giant turtle?
  • A mountain lion watching Survivor?
  • A piece of felt clipping coupons?
  • A sea horse shitting a bowl of soup?
  • A can of soup
  • The cast of Hello Larry in scuba gear
  • A compact disc going down on a racoon
  • The Poseidon upside down in a gravy boat
  • Julius Sumner Miller jerking off a raccoon with Steven Hawking’s hand
  • The moon reading the Bible to Robert Loggia and a penguin with three boobs
  • A vampire Martha Stewart kicking President Bush’s knee in the balls
  • Why don’t we just give Kevin the name and see what he comes up with?

This is what Kevin came up with (which was perfect)

Image

Miss you, J-Nay.

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Every Dog Has Its Blog

I got a dog and immediately became obsessed with the dog. Every post on Facebook or Twitter was a joke about my dog or a photo of my dog–I became that person. So I said to myself, “Don’t be that person! If you can’t say something not-about-your-dog, don’t say anything at all.”

This is why, perhaps, you haven’t seen a post here in a while. That, and I was busy.

Since I last posted, we’ve uploaded episodes 15-18 of the Me Three Podcast, featuring our chats with writer and Comedy Central editor, Dennis DiClaudio, podcaster and TwitterAlotter, Ahm 76, artist and director of Good/Bad Art Collective, Martin Iles and comedian and new staff writer for The Daily Show, Travon Free. Our next episode is our first international interview and I can’t wait for your earholes to absorb it.

Hurricane Sandy threw me for a loop, like most New Yorkers. First it stranded me in Texas, where I watched online videos of power transformers exploding and streets flooding only a few blocks from my apartment. I scoured Twitter for reports from my neighborhood and found it to be completely under water. So I was pleasantly surprised to come home to a completely dry first floor apartment. I’m not sure how I got so lucky, but the absence of a waterlogged rat party in my home made me extremely grateful and I headed out to the Rockaways to pay it forward a little. If you’re currently living in a dry home with power, heat and hot water, consider helping those who (still!) are struggling and visit Believe in Belle Harbor to donate.

I’m headed BACK to Texas for most of December and I plan to fill my days and nights with gambling, cheap liquor and Mexican food. Who’s with me?

Oh, and I’m still calling the dog Pony. I tried out all the other suggestions and none of them really worked for me. I mean, seriously, when I called out, “Banjo!” at the dog park, I almost died of embarrassment. So he’s officially Pony now. Or, if you want to be formal, his full name is Pony! Poni! Pone! (No, that’s not embarrassing at all!)

Until next time,

kittenpants

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