An apple a day keeps the doctor away if you throw them directly at his junk.
Always a bridesmaid, never the bride, sometimes a drunk usher that hits on your dad.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Abstinence makes the pants grow boners.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet unless you named it
Richard Fartface Choadley, III.
An idle mind is the Devil’s playground but your butthole is his State Fair.
An ounce of hair extensions is worth a pound of allure.
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what has it done for you lately?”
–President Janet Jackson
I don’t want to beat a dead horse because it’s harder for me to come when they don’t fight back.
Beauty IS only skin deep, which you would know if you ever skinned anything.
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t because you helped the Devil you know move all those times in college so he kind of owes you one.
The bigger they are the harder they fall and the heavier the casket better get some more pallbearers.
Birds of a feather flock together because birds are racist pieces of shit.
Blood is thicker than water is thicker than this shit you’re passing off as “country gravy.”
Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door but build a hybrid car and the world is all, “I don’t know… how fast can it go?”
You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip, but you can squeeze blood from my TURNIP brand Crime Scene Wipes!
I got champagne taste on a beer budget so I’m just gonna huff this paint and call it a day.
Don’t cry over spilled milk unless it’s spilled onto the divorce papers I’m sending you. I’m having an affair.
Also, don’t cry over spilled milk because there’s no crying in Spilled Milkball.
I’m crying all the way to the bank because that bank is where my husband was murdered and I should probably switch banks, for several reasons.
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link and a Shane is only as sober as his nearest bar.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, bite the hand you’re fed.” –Cannibal ethics
“I’m a day late and a dollop short.” –sour cream excuses
Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched because I’m in the mood for an omelette.
Don’t get your panties in a wad–that is just a terrible way to buy underpants.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth because I hid the receipt in there–happy birthday!!
The early bird catches the worm and when he’s done I will get out of bed.
Every dog has his day in court.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile unless he’s European and doesn’t know what the fuck “inch” or “mile” even means.
Good fences make good neighbors and bad neighbors make great dog bathrooms.
A good rule of thumb was the benevolent King Thumbulus, IV
Good things come to those who wait in the Dairy Queen drive through line.
The grass is always greener on the other side so go into the light Carol Ann! See you in Heaven!
I’ve got you under my skin (if by “you” you mean “wolves” and if by “skin” you mean “house” and sorry I killed all those wolves).
I heard it through the grapevine that you hate these vineyard tours DID YOU THINK THE GRAPEVINE WAS SOUNDPROOF, DUMMY?
His bark is worse than his bite but the way he says “lover” instead of girlfriend is the absolute worst.
Hindsight is 20/20, “Out of Sight” is $20 and you can get “At First Sight” on VHS for, like, $2.
A house divided against itself cannot stand the word “duplex”
“If you’re going to talk the talk, you better caulk the caulk.” –Plumbers’ Code
In for a penny, in for a pound what do you mean I can’t get a pound of cocaine for a penny?
“It ain’t over til the fat lady, Sting.” -Sting’s pimp
It’s all fun and games until Someone Loses An Eye, which was always the worst game at Sandy Duncan’s parties.
It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you win or your father and I kick you out of the house.
A journey of a thousand “whoops” begins with the 9th step.
I’m laughing all the way to the bank because my husband was murdered at that bank and sometimes I use laughter to mask my sadness I doubt I am the only one.
A leopard doesn’t change his spots so never go to a leopard dry cleaner.
“Leave no turn unstoned.” –Phish driving lessons
Let sleeping dogs lie, let the cat out of the bag, then stand by with a videocamera and a hose.