To make a long story short stop talking.
“Make, like, a tree and leaves.” –Valley girl arborist
He’s got a memory like an elephant and he’s fat like an elephant and his ears–holy shit I’ve been fucking an elephant!
When you CONSUME burritos, you make el burro CON SU y MI.
“I’m making money hand over fist.” –Professional Hand Jiver
“The Moor, the merrier.” –Othello
Money is the root of all evil. Lottery tickets are the square root of all evil.
“My way or the highway” –Offramps
“Necessity is the mother of Invention, but YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!” –Maury Povich
Nice guys finish last because they let their partner finish first.
Never put off until tomorrow what… [to be continued]
No pain, no Bain.
“Nothing dentured, nothing stained.” –Dentists
“No way, Jose!” “No go, Pedro!” “It’s no use, Jesus!” –Arizona state mottos/Hispanic lesbians
“It’s now or never or later today or whenever.” –Hipster ultimatums
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure is another man’s episode of Hoarders.
Opportunity doesn’t knock twice but it will knock three times on the ceiling if it wants me.
“Once bitten, twice shy, third time’s the charm.” –Persistent vampires
Out of the frying pan, into the fire, and now into the garbage you’ve burned my steak.
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Pearls before swine, all’s fine.
People who live in kidney houses shouldn’t grow stones.
Life’s a bitch. Payback’s a bitch. All my ex-girlfriends have weird names.
“You will pass the test with flying colors.” –Crayon flight school instructor
Pennywise and Pound Foolish are just terrible clown names.
Maybe its inflation, but according to my Thesaurus a picture is only worth about 78 words.
“I know it like the back of my hand.” –guy with knuckle tattoos.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away if you throw them directly at his junk.
Always a bridesmaid, never the bride, sometimes a drunk usher that hits on your dad.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Abstinence makes the pants grow boners.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet unless you named it
Richard Fartface Choadley, III.
An idle mind is the Devil’s playground but your butthole is his State Fair.
An ounce of hair extensions is worth a pound of allure.
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what has it done for you lately?”
–President Janet Jackson
I don’t want to beat a dead horse because it’s harder for me to come when they don’t fight back.
Beauty IS only skin deep, which you would know if you ever skinned anything.
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t because you helped the Devil you know move all those times in college so he kind of owes you one.
The bigger they are the harder they fall and the heavier the casket better get some more pallbearers.
Birds of a feather flock together because birds are racist pieces of shit.
Blood is thicker than water is thicker than this shit you’re passing off as “country gravy.”
A while back I was asked to write about Five Underrated Songs for the humor website Yankee Pot Roast.
They were promoting their book Underrated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome Underappreciated Stuff and in case you missed all that, now you have links to both.